INDAY JOKES PART 8

Menikanikow ni Monico eng mekina neng menikew ni Monica…
Peskow, peksew…
Booteke. Betooka…
Damn! I can’t deliver the Filipino tongue twisters!
- Si Inday, nagsasanay
====================================
“The oil normalizing series specifically designed for my oily skin not only works physically on the skin surface, but penetrates deep into the skin layers to normalize oil secretion for a healthy and long-lasting oil free skin.”
- paliwanag ni Inday habang nagpapahid ng chin-chan-su
====================================
I wouldn’t go down that road again. I wouldn’t think about the love-who-was-gone or the life that was snatched away from me, excised as cleanly and completely as a tumor, leaving not even a scar for me to cherish, to remember it by.
- nag-eemote si Inday dahil nagtanan si dodong at ederlyn.
====================================
Sa resto:
WAITER: Ano po order nila, maam?
AMO: Yung fried chicken meal na lang. Ikaw Inday, ano sayo?
INDAY: I would like to partake of a dish of sauteed pork and chicken, boiled in thick essence of soy and cane extracts, with copious amounts of garlic, onion and laurel, sprinkled generously with fine spices and served with a generous helping of root crop and a helping of rice.
AMO: Iho, pa-order daw ng adobo with rice.
====================================
JEEPNEY DRIVER: Hoy! Bakit sais lang ang binayad mo?! Syete na ang pamasahe ngayon!
INDAY: I am currently enrolled in a 2-year vocational course in an academic institution. Therefore, I am a student and, by this fact, I am entitled to have the inalienable right to avail of a certain discount on my jeepney fare. This is why I provided a payment less than what you expected because that is according to the law, as stated in the fare matrix.
JEEPNEY DRIVER: ahh…
====================================
Love – a widely misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart that weakens the brain, causes the eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and lips to pucker!
- Inday, gumagawa ng blog niya sa Friendster.
====================================
(Dahil Inglisera na talaga si Inday, nakahanap ng katapat)
Kausap si Lornang labandera…
INDAY: Hey! Our majesty said wash that white clothe because that is the only white clothe of her, understood?
LORNA: Clothe! Only one? Duh! Would you mind to fill up those empty spaces of your brain, Idiot! I don’t know why people like you still exists, you’re just a scrap of humanity! Now, get lost!
INDAY: (luhaang umalis) “Ambot sa imo!”
(Hehe, yan ang yabang kasi ni Inday!)
====================================
There are tulips in the street, there are tulips in the park, but nothing compares to our two lips meeting in the dark.
- pamatay lines ni Dodong kay Inday.
====================================
It does not matter if you are the wife, or you’re the mistress. What matters is you showed your love, you experienced the joys and pain in loving. Coz from there, you’ll learn… that loving is not always easy.
- movie review ni Inday sa “A Love Story”! Bongga!
====================================
Why are you quoting and spreading everything that I say? Am I a celebrity?
- Inday, lagot kayo… nagrereklamo na! kulit niyo kc e.
====================================
NEXT ARTICLE:

PHILIPPINES PLACED 5TH; THAILAND THE OVER-ALL CHAMPION IN THE 25TH SEA GAMES

INDAY JOKES PART 7

Image Source 

Sana Ngayong Pasko

1. Fendi Handbag
2. Balenciaga sandals
3. Manolo Blanihk high heels
4. CHANEL furr coat
5. Ipod Video 80 gig
6. Motorola Razor Dolce and Gabbana edition
7. Sony Bravia Flat Screen Plasma TV
8. Aquamarine Diamond Wristwatch
9. Louis Vuitton Travelling Bag
10. Obagi System Skin Care Line
11. Shisheido Cosmetics
12. One week vacation spree at the Bahamas
- Wish list ni Inday nung Christmas. Nakadikit sa refrigerator ng amo nya!
====================================
With the upcoming holiday, I forecast travel plans to my hometown so that I may visit my family. In line with this, may I request that my financial budget be reviewed so that I may take a portion in advance? Justification as follows: for the dual purpose of
(a) finalizing my flight booking
(b) bringing tokens of appreciation to my parent, siblings, and cousins up to the third level of consanguinity.
-Si Inday… bumabale para makapag bakasyon sa pamilya
====================================
I thought I was dead. I must have been in a near-death experience. I believed I survived to tell the world that we are not just a bunch of  household slaves, but persons of dignity and character
- Si Inday, matapos makarecover
====================================
San Pedro: Inday, ba’t ka namatay?
Inday: Oh that wretched, low-life “hold-uper”. That bullet have damaged the blood vessels in my brain which caused severe hemorrhage and brought me to a state of hypovolemic shock. Adding insult to injury are those incompetent doctors and nurses who weren’t able to help me, bringing me to face the wrath of death. So my body went through algor, livor and rigor mortis.
San Pedro: (nosebleed)
… Inday was sent back to Earth…
====================================
I was shot by a 9mm bullet in the head damaging my entire skull, leading to my death and stopping me from speaking english that has brought rest to people’s radical nose-bleeding.
- In loving memory of Inday
====================================
See to it that professionalism is always upheld in the workplace. Although its due to our own personal issues and biases, One must see to it that relationships among co-workers do not cross the border of being too close for comfort. Doing so will greatly cloud objectivity and fair judgment. In general, workplace love affair though possible, is not very advisable.
- Sabi ni Inday nang bastidin ang manliligaw na hardinerong si Dodong.
====================================
Amo 1: Inday ano gamit mo sa katawan? Ang kinis mo kasi eh.
Amo 2: Siguro gumagamit ka ng papaya…
Amo 1: Baka naman kalamansi?
Inday: NO! …. ONLY BELO TOUCHES MY SKIN, WHO TOUCHES YOURS?
Amo 1 and 2: LUPET MO INDAY!!!
====================================
500 – globe plan subscription
1800 – glutathione tablet
600 – olay total effects
1500 – crocs / havaianas
2000 – for mama
- binabudget ni Inday ang sweldo nya
====================================
Tackatack! Tackatack! The sound I make and hear everyday. Hoping that someone would notice. Glancing at every eye, hoping to catch their attention. Every red, green and gold boxes, sweets and mints, and scribes on paper bought, will get me through the day. But I’m just one of many. Maybe the day will bring more than just a cent. Maybe. Just Maybe.
- Lando (yosi vendor) utol ata ni inday!
====================================
NEXT ARTICLE:

RICHARD GOMEZ RUNNING FOR CONGRESSMAN IN THE 4TH DISTRICT OF LEYTE

INDAY JOKES PART 6

Image Source

How dare you to insinuate such intolerable act of abusing our nature from a mere scrap of humanity such as you. If u further insist, i’ll b forced to use my mental and physical capabilities just to pulverize u! -Litanya ni inday nung may nagtapon ng balat ng kendi sa tapat ng bhay ng amo nya. Nagmamaldita tlaga ang lola mo!
====================================
Hell is a place with big houses, luxurious cars, grate tasting dishes and nonstop parties. And Heaven? It’s only a small room with nothing in it…but YOU….
-message ni inday para kay dudung sa kanilang 1st monthsary
====================================
Amo:Inday ano ulam natin? Darating na sir mo.

Inday:Due to the infrequent mass media coverage around hog cholera, I’d consequently given a judgement on sauteing exquisite scallops in unsalted butter together w/ pungent white onion & tossed it w/ brisk asparagus. I’d also assented to twist it w/ fresh lemon zest & advance its taste via blending a petty amount of chardonay whitewine as well as a cup of viscous cream.

Amo:(napatumbling)
====================================
Sometimes, we fall in love and thought that it would be endless, we thank God for it.. but when someone comes and to make life better, what can we ask God then? You know what, I would ask God to make me love again… and this time.. make it permanent..
-Sinabi ni Inday sa kanyang sarili ng iwan siya ni Dodong.
====================================
What separates men from animals is his ability to talk and express his feelings. History has told us to fight when our right to communicate and self-expression is suppressed. If you don’t like what I say, the way I say it, or the manner I do it, I apologize. But don’t hinder me from practising my inherent right.
-Sagot ni Inday ng mahuling nakikipagchismisan sa kapitbahay.
====================================
Much as I would want to indulge in the proliferation of such incident and malicious information, I want to lift the stigma and alleviate society’s perception of our profession. we are not here to thrive on humor but rather, we should engage in objective and top of the line service to our designated employers.
-Inday (tumangging makipagtsismisan sa katulong sa kabilang bahay. Professionalism at its best!====================================
I’m still a human being, attracted to anyone my heart beats on, and I have my limitations in controlling my feelings. I have to push myself into not loving him. This is so wrong…
-Si Inday na-inlove sa amo. Ibang level na talaga…
====================================
Pinag-aralan ng amo ni Inday ang dictionary para may pangtapat siya kay Inday.

Amo: So Inday, tell me, how do you accept the fact that you are just a mere chambermaid in this extravagant mansion?

Inday: Una camarera? Eres tan pathetic. La unica razon que inscribi tu casa es porque nada esta sucediendo dentro de tu casa cuasi-agradable. Quisiera traer una poca clase en este hogar pero conjeturo que nopuedo porque esta casa es fea.
Amo: Asan na ba yung Spanish dictionary ko… Love!!! Tulong please…
====================================
NEXT ARTICLE:

APPROVED CANDIDATES FOR THE 2010 ELECTIONS, PRESIDENTIAL, VICE-PRESIDENTIAL, AND SENATORIABLES

INDAY JOKES PART 5

Image Source

INDAY: Success is often the result of taking misstep in the right direction. Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I’ll show you somebody who has never achieved much.


AMO: Impostora! Lumayas ka dito!
===================================
INDAY: Physical and excessive work may result to serious damage to ones body. It is therefore essential that once in a while we take a break from our usual routine to replenish the lost energy we once had-Sabi ni Inday sa Amo nya nung humingi sya ng day off
====================================
AMO: Inday, bakit mo binenta yung sira na silya?

INDAY: I have computed the chair’s value less cost to sell, and the value in use using projections for 5 years and a pretax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is an accordance with PAS18 on revenue, PAS16 on PPE, and PAS36 on Impairment of Assets.

AMO: *fainted*
-Si Inday talaga, accountant din pala!
====================================
“The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocation. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!”
-ganito nakipagbreak si Inday kay Dodong (driver ng kapitbahay)
====================================
“La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar. Puede usted bajar el precio parci mi? Soy ya su compradora avido diario por favor?
-si Inday tumatawad sa merkado ng isinama siya ng amo sa España
====================================
“Bloody hell!!! What the f*ck did just landed on my cutie top? I mean I’ve spent all day just to make myself look fabulous. I think I’ll have this eewy thing removed in a whip wham of time!”
-reaction ni Inday nung natalsikan sya ng mantika habang nagluluto ng tilapia
====================================
“Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution! “-si Inday, pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate… (Taray talaga ni Inday!
====================================
Did it ever occur to you that the ultraviolet rays of the idiot box can bring harmful radiation to the retinal area? It could lead to blurred vision, worse, permanent blindness?
-pinagalitan ni inday si junior sa sobrang lapit manood ng kokey! (wahahahaha!)
====================================
Thank you for calling. This is Indigh. How can I provide you world class service today?
-Inday. Nag-call center na. Finally!
====================================
“Don’t limit my capacity in the 4 corners of this luxurious abode. Expose me to the real challenges of the outside world. I want to grow as an individual with dynamic experiences.”
-Inday, nagrereklamo dahil ayaw isama sa Enchanted Kingdom .
====================================
“i pity you for you have degraded you’re very own pride and dignity by resorting to this despicable behavior just for wealth. and i hope tha one day you’ll realize that you should not use humans as means of your ends. as what the great philosopher Kant uttered, “treat a man as an end in himself”.!
-sagot ni inday sa holdaper na nanghoholdap sa kanya.

Shut up,because if you don’t, the bullet in this gun will rest upon your empty head!
– sagot holdaper –
ang sosyal na talaga nila!!!
====================================
Dear Inday,

I’m sorry to inform you that your resignation was denied by the upper management due to your contract of 5 years or make love with the amo clause. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Yours truly,
Ma’am

Dear Sir/Madam,

Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis.

- si inday, nagpapaalam bumili ng bagong electric fan
=======================================
NEXT ARTICLE:

SINU-SINO ANG MGA BAKLA AT TOMBOY SA KONGRESO?

INDAY JOKES PART 4

Image Source 

Inday’s rants when the entire family left for Enchanted Kingdom without her.

P500 – sun plan subscription
P1800 – glutathione 30 capsules
P600 – Olay Total Effects
P1500 – Crocs flip flops
P2000 – for mama

- Inday’s budget for the month of October
================================================
Boss: Inday! Bakit diyan mo pinapakain sa sahig si JR! Ang dum-dumi jan! Bluebaby pa naman ‘yan! (Inday, why did you let JR eat on the floor. It’s so dirty. Don’t forget, he’s a blue baby.)
Inday: Haller! What do you think of me, a moron?! “Blue spells” or “tet spells” of acute hypoxia usually occur during feeding. Squatting in ambulatory in a child with a tetralogy of fallout as a compensatory mechanism increases systematic resistance in venous return, briefly decreasing hypoxia! Now, you choose, you still want to see him alive, but with rashes or let him rest in peace?!

Boss: (collapsed)
====================================

Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you!
-si Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na maglikot.
====================================
“To forrestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable statement to the denial of your request. Petition denied.”

-reply ni Inday nang i-text ni dodong kung pwede sya maging txtmate.
====================================
Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don’t want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.
====================================
“It’s absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your policies because they suck!”

-Inday, kasama si Junior sa principal’s office.
====================================
Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.

Amo: (nosebleed)
====================================
Amo: Inday bumili ka nga ng mga isda, ay oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon, would you please buy many fishes for this week’s meals?

Inday: Judging by your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term fishes though rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said gilled aquatic creatures. But the most pressing question before I go to the wet market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or fresh? (pauses) Ahh…given the meager budget afforded by this household’s quasi-peasant class taste, I assume I shall source the staple “galewng-gong”. Yes?

Amo: Eh kung mag-empake ka na kaya?!
====================================
Dear Mom,

Had i not been able to smell the salt, i must have collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me. Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn’t enough, he was summoned by the principal of his shabilly run academe. Oh, such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never thought being a governess can be such strenuous employ!

Your daughter,
Inday

Dear Inday,

Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka ng pera! Nasa ospital ang nanay mo, dumugo ang ilong pagkabasa ng pesteng sulat mo!

–TATAY
=======================================
NEXT ARTICLE: 


CON-ASS: WHO ARE THE CRIMINALS?

INDAY JOKES PART 3

Image Source

Employer: Why does my son (Junjun) have a bump on his head?

Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well-engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy’s cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.
=========================================
Employer: Why is the food salty?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically, and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.
==========================================
Baon ni Junjun sa school:

-drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar serve with milagrosa rice (red variety) and apricot sauce
-vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil
-lychee and peach salad with sour cream and cream cheese topped with lemon zests
==========================================
Reaction sa palengke vendor nang malamang kulang ng 2 guhit ang nabiling tilapia
“How dare you insulate that I could tolerate such a diabolical insult from a crap of humanity such as you! I would rather be deceived than to talk with you! You haven’t heard the last of me yet you scoundrel, you nincompoop! You fiendish creature!”
========================================
When Inday goes to the public market:

“Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to procure and purchase your household essentials. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which I also monitor in ANC on a regular basis.“
=========================================
Inday asking for a dayoff:

“Physical stress and excessive work may result to serious damage to one’s body. It is therefore essential that once in a while, we take a break from our usual routine to replenish the lost energy we once had.”
==========================================
Doña Anna: Inday, ba’t sinisipon si Junior?

Inday: He came in direct contact with surfaces contaminated with rhinoviruses which entered the cells of the lining of his nasopharynx which in turn rapidly multiplied. Thus, giving him a viral infectious disease of the upper respiratory system called acute viral nasopharyngitis.

Amo: What? Tumawag ka ng ambulansya! Bilis!

Inday: Hayy, you’re so ignorant. As if you have not been afflicted with the common cold in the course of your existence.
=========================================
“Did it ever occur to you that the ultraviolet rays of the idiot box can bring harmful radiation to the retinal area? It could lead to blurred vision, worse, permanent blindness?

- Inday’s words upon seeing that Junior was watching too close to the television.

=========================================
NEXT ARTICLE:

ANG ELEVATOR AT ANG HAGDAN

INDAY JOKES PART 2

 Image Source

The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.

-nag-eexplain si inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam.
========================================
“Nurture others with positive truthful words, not words that hurt. It doesn’t cost anything to do so. But mean what you say, and say what you mean. Do it everyday. This is one of the most obvious qualities of the most beloved people. If you cannot be generous financially, at least be generous with your words.”

-sagot ni inday sa amo nya na di xa pinautang at minura-mura pa!
========================================
“Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rain and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessen the production in the market”

-sagot ni inday samin kung bakit walang KangKong sa nilutong sinigang
========================================
I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber. Though the downpour of rain should’ve made it easy. This exuberent emotional glue i have for you,cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of what i feel for you is inevitable. This isn’t platonic. It’s real, true romance

-INDAY, nag eemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si dodong,ang bf nia..
========================================
“potatoes, when consumed in their raw state, are rapidly converted to glucose that raises insulin levels because of its simple sugar…when cooked in high temperature like french fries, they produce large amount of free radicals in the body causing ageing, clotting, inflammation, cancer, wait guys… 1 french fry is worse than 1 cigarette

-inday (sagot nya sa amo nung tanungin xa kung bakit di sya nagluto ng french fries) nutritionist din pala si inday
========================================
Heavy fire exerted by the stimulus affected the best conductor of heat which is the steel,causing the Oriza Sativa to change it’s state of color,smell as well as the taste.”

-sagot ni inday ng tanungin siya ng amo kung bakit nasunog ang sinaing.
========================================
Listening to the nonsense talk about someone’s life is a pathetic way of entertainment..it doesn’t contribute to the good of society..i hate character assassinators!..

-reklamo ni inday nang natsismis siya ng kapitbahay.
========================================
Drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar served with milagrosa rice (red variety) and apricot sauce..
Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil ..
Lychee and peach salad with sour cream and cream cheese topped with lemon zests..

-mga baon ni junjun sa daycare na inihanda ni Inday. SOSYAL!!!
========================================
Ich bin jetzt berühmt geworden dürch diesen Pexer.Mach weiter so,das gefällt mir!!!

(naging sikat ako ngayon gawa ng pexer, pagpatuloy ninyo gusto ko yan)
-Si Inday marunong din pala maggerman!!
========================================
Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy’s cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.

-sagot ni Inday nang tanungin ng amo kung bakit may bukol si Junior.
=======================================
NEXT ARTICLE:

LIST OF CANDIDATES (TO BE APPROVED BY COMELEC) IN THE 2010 ELECTIONS

INDAY JOKES PART 1

Image Source

Doña Anna: Inday ano ulam natin? Darating na ang Señor mo.

Inday: Due to the frequent mass media coverage on hog cholera, I’ve consequently given a judgment on sauteing exquisite scallops in unsalted butter together with pungent white onion and tossed it with brisk asparagus. I’ve also assented to twist it with fresh lemonzest and advance its taste via blending a petty amount of chardonay white wine as well as a cup of viscous cream.

Doña Anna: Puta!
=========================================
Doña Anna: Inday, bakit mo binenta ‘yong sirang silya?

Inday: I have computed the chair’s fair value less cost to sell and the value in use using projections for 5 years and a pretax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair, in accordance with PAS (Phil. Acctg. Standard) 18 on Revenue, PAS16 on Property, Plant and Equipment, & PAS36 on Asset Impairment!

Doña Anna: Fuck off!
=========================================
“Higher stock index and the low flow of investments triggered the inflation of the peso. Thus, your purchasing power is weak!

-Inday’s explanation when she was asked why the change she gave to Doña Anna was not enough.
=========================================
Doña: Inday, bumili ka nga ng mga isda. Ay oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon. Would you please buy many fishes for this week’s meals?

Inday: Judging from your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term ‘fishes’ although rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said gilled aquatic creatures. But the more pressing questions before I go to the wet market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or fresh? (pauses) Aahh. Given the meager budget afforded by this household’s quasi-peasant class taste, I assume I shall source the staple “ga-lewng-gong.” Am i correct?

Doña: Leche!
=========================================
“Allergens triggerd the immune response. Eosinophilic migration occurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic and anaphylotoxin including histamine and prostglandins. These substances result to an increase in circulationn to the site promoting redness.”

- Inday’s reply when asked why there were rashes in her ward Junior’s skin.
==========================================
NEXT ARTICLE:

MY ISSUE WITH THE CIVIL SERVICE COMMISSION